She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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