I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
