You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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