im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm both gender and math confused
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
