i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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