My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
