He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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