i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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