xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
