And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
