Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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