drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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