I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
