nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
