i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
