Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
