she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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