I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
