Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
