i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize