I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
