apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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