I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
