the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
