Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
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