Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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