so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
