I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
