Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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