Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
