Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
