Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
