I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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