That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
