Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I wish I could teleport
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
