I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
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i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
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what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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