Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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