I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
