New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
