the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i love accidental penises.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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