I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
