If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
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