we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
