some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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