I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
