I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
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He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
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Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina