you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver