can u get pink eye on your cock?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off