I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
