i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
