I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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