I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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