omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
