i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
