He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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