This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize