Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
