I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Randomize
