just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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