Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
God gave him joint rollers for hands
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
