i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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