I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
