I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
