My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I want her autograph on my taint
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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