I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
